Captain Italia
by Mini-Chobi
Summary: Ryou finds a section in a soccer magazine that tells the CT characters their Italian names! Will this end up good? Of course not!
1. Chapter 1

My first CT fic. I decided to write this when I saw how ridiculous the Italian names were. Seriously, I don't believe it. But I guess I'm kinda sadistic. I was laughing like crazy when I saw Taki's name. I mean, it's bad enough that his Japanese name sounds like "Tacky" in English, right? This is just freakin' sad.

* * *

"Guys! Did you read this month's soccer magazine? I cut some of it out! You might find it interesting!" 

Tsubasa, Taki, Yuzo, Mamoru, and Teppei turned. It was Ryou, waving 6 slips of paper cut from the magazine. Did that guy have an uncle or something working there, or was he just obsessed with reading?

They blinked.

It must be the uncle. Ryou couldn't be obsessed with reading, or he would know how to get the average of a set of numbers in high school, right? Yes. No. Maybe so. It was weird, but that's Ryou for you.

Usually, you can see what type of news it is by Ryou's face. If he's smiling, then it's good news. If he's looking angry, then it's news about some reporter dissing them. If he's looking urgent, it's... urgent news.

Right now, he was looking half-disgusted and half-amused.

Talk about mixed feelings.

Anyway, he was holding the slips out. They each took one, leaving Ryou with one. But that's obvious. I mean, come on, what were they supposed to do? Grab _two_, crumple them up, and throw it into the gutter? That's not even possible.

However, back to the point.

5 seconds later, there were snickers coming from everyone.

Tsubasa spoke first.

"Oh hello, _Johnny Mason_," he said to Teppei. "How do you do?"

Everyone chuckled, but Teppei wasn't fazed.

"Very well, thank you, _Oliver Hutton_," he fired back, grabbing Tsubasa's hand and shaking it violently.

Everyone laughed lightly at Tsubasa's name. The way Johnny- err, Teppei pronounced it, it sounded like _Oliver 'Humpton'. _(1)

"Hey, Mamoru," said Yuzo, picking up the thread. "Why didn't you tell us your name was _Paul Diamond_? Such a pretty name."

Everyone except Mamoru snickerd. Diamond?

"At least I'm not _Alan Crocker_," replied Mamoru after everyone had finished. "You remind me of Irwin."

Everyone chuckled. Good ol' crocodile hunter.

After the chuckling had finished, Taki collected the slips and prepared to hand them back to Ryou.

"Thank you for this valuable information, _Bruce Harper_," he said, smirking. "Would you say hi to Steph for us?" (2)

This time, everyone laughed out loud trying, and failing, to imagine Ryou as someone called Bruce Harper, and for his relative to be STEPH. I mean, can you? It's absolutely hilarious. It's like someone spelt their own name wrong.

"Of-course I will, _Ted Carter_," said Ryou, grinning from ear to ear and waving the slip with Taki's name in his face.

The slips fell from Taki's outstretched hand as the others stuffed their fists into their mouths to stop from breaking people's eardrums. TED CARTER? CARTER?

You mean as in Aaron Carter! That idiot that probably doesn't know his left from right?

"You mean as in Aaron Carter! That baka that probably doesn't know his left from right?"

"Yes, Ted, I mean that Carter," said Ryou sweetly, retrieving the fallen slips while everyone else were nearly suffocating themselves from laughing too hard.

"I hate him! Him and his annoying brother, Nick!"

"Awww... that's ok. Maybe we should plan a vacation for you and those two junkies to patch things up between relatives," said Ryou. He turned to the laughing soccer players. "Right guys?"

Tsubasa recovered enough to say one thing. One thing that made Taki run for his life.

"Yeah! Maybe we should send them to Canada on the day of that Pride Parade,"(3) Tsubasa smirked. "You might find it..." he searched for the right word. "..._nice_... in the way that makes you..." he paused, snickering. "...you know..." Tsubasa licked his lips. "..._lean _or_ swing _a certain way..."

More laughs, more suffocation.

For 7 whole years, (4) Taki was almost always found shivering and traumatized in some underground ditch or up high in the branches in a pine tree in the middle of some dense forest.

Bruce sighed.

Maybe he shouldn't have told him his 'Italian' name.

* * *

(1) **Everyone laughed lightly at Tsubasa's name. The way Johnny- err, Teppei pronounced it, it sounded like _Oliver 'Humpton'._**

I tried saying it a few times fast. I ended up saying Over Humpton.

(2) **Would you say hi to Steph for us?**

If you don't give a rat's bum about Canadian politics -Stephen Harper is the Prime Minister.

(3) **Yeah! Maybe we should send them to Canada on the day of that Pride Parade**

The Pride Parade (or Gay Parade) takes place annually in Downtown, Vancouver. (that I know of, since I live in the Lower Mainland) It's a parade that (shudder) "celebrates" gayness and so-called 'freedom'. I'm pretty much against yaoi tho, (cough-Christian-cough) so I hate that day. And so does Taki-san now.

(4) **For 7 whole years**

7 years of bad luck, right? 7 years of traumitization.

Heh. No offense whatsoever to Italian Captain Tsubasa viewers. I just found it really amusing.

Please read and review! This is my first CT fic, and I really want people to review it. Please?

Oh, and, if anyone knows the Italian names of other CT characters, (hoping for Wakabayashi Genzou, Wakashimasu Ken, Misaki Taro, and Hyuga Kojiro) please let me know! I want to make another parody!

I know this wasn't all that funny, but its a first attempt.

No offense either to Aaron/Nick Carter fans. I've just never liked those two. Maybe it's because there's a jerk that I know called Aaron, so I hate them now. How should I know, ne? I also know a person called Nick, and he's OK, but his friend Mike isn't. He's f-ed up. Mike is. Not Nick. Nick's OK. (blows raspberry at imaginary Mike, grabs a soccer ball and kicks it like Kojiro into Mike's face. Ow.)

IN YOUR FACE!

Ahem. Anyway.

REVIEW! Those make me so happy!

MC

(may be continued. depending on the info I aquire. GEN-KUN! KEN-KUN! TA-KUN! KO-KUN!)


	2. Chapter 2

Must... get... short... stories... out... of... the... way...

oOo

"What? I refuse to be 'Mark Landers!' What kind of retarded name is THAT?"

"That's your role's name, Kojiro," growled the play director. "Live with it."

Fuming, Kojiro stomped over to his friends, who had recieved their parts as well.

"Hi-hi-hi-Hyuga," said Ryou, waving. "Which part did you get?" (1)

"Mark Landers the blacksmith," grumbled Kojiro, glaring at Ryou. "What's with the hi-hi-hi thing?"

Ryou shrugged. "I felt like it. It's a kind of alliteration, I guess."

"What roles did you guys get?" asked Kojiro, turning to the rest of the crew.

"I got Ben Becker the stable lad," replied Taro, holding out his script.  
"I'm Bruce Harper the stable owner," said Ryou,"and I get to yell 'Bend it like Becker' in Act 4."  
"Ed Warner the delivery boy," said Ken, frowning.

"Ha! You got the delivery boy part! Ed Edd n Eddy!" laughed Genzou.

Everyone stared at Genzou.

"...what?"

"So what's your part, Genzou-kun?" asked Taro nicely like Taro always does.

"Oh, um, I haven't gotten my part yet..." lied Genzou.

"Don't be stupid," said Kojiro. "Mark Landers' part was the last to be handed out. You already got yours."

"I... have to go to the bathroom now...?" Genzou tried again.

"Stop procrasinating!" said Ryou angrily, pointing an accusing finger at Genzou.

"Woah, you actually know what procasinate means?" asked Ken, slightly surprised.

"Yes! It's when you're always saying 'I'll do this later!' or stall for time because you really don't want to do something!" said Ryou. "That's beside the point, though."

"Ryou's right. What part did you get, Genzou?" interjected Taro, drawing everyone's attention back to Genzou.

Genzou sighed.

"I got Thomas Price the pedophilic idiot working at Horseshoes-R-Us..."

Everyone was silent.

"No wonder you didn't want to tell us," said Ken finally.

"...however, I'm only the back-up actor," continued Genzou. "Other than that, I'm props manager."

All of them sighed in relief.

"You know," said Ryou, "this is such a coincidence."

"What is?" asked Kojiro.

"Well, you know how Hajime's always been hiding up in trees or in ditches this past week?"

"Yeah," said Genzou.

"Well, I found an article in a magazine," said Ryou. "I think I still have it in my bag, wait a sec."

Ryou retrieved his magazine from his bag. When he returned, he had the magazine opened to a page that had slots missing from it. Obviously, someone had been cutting magazines.

"Someone had been cutting magazines," noted Taro, indicating the slots missing from it.

"That would be me," answered Ryou.

"Why?" asked Kojiro, taking the magazine from Ryou. "Where those parts inappropriate?"

"..."

"Well?" asked Ken.

"In ways," was all Ryou said, thinking back to what Tsubasa had said.

Genzou raised an eyebrow, but shrugged it off and read the magazine over Kojiro's shoulder. Taro and Ken followed Genzou's lead, crowding around Kojiro's backside so they won't have to read upside down. It was a table. In the first column, there were their Japanese names in Sanji. In the second column were their names in Italian.

"..."  
"..."  
"..."  
"..."

"I hate this play," announced Kojiro randomly.

"Don't we all, Kojiro, don't we all..." muttered Ken darkly. "Whoever wrote this was a stalker. Or else, why would they write it with the EXACT NAMES and give us those parts?"

Taro was hyperventilating.

"But... but... I'm MISAKI Taro! Not Ben Becker! That's not right! No no no no no! AHHH!" he... hyperventilated.

"Calm down, Taro," said Genzou darkly. "At least you're not given the same name as a gay pedophile working at a non-existent store in a play..."

"But I'm given the same name as a gay stable lad in a play!" wailed Taro in a very OOC manner.

"Ben Becker isn't even gay in this play," said Ken.

"Oh, right," said Taro, more IC now.

Kojiro threw the magazine on the ground and rolled up his sleeves, but then realized his sleeves were already rolled up so he just looked really silly. However, he managed to not completely embarrass himself and just pretended to rub his shoulder or something.

"Who. wrote. this. play?" he accentuated angrily.

The other four pointed instantly to a geeky boy with brown hair in a nerdy mushroom cut and thick swirly glasses remiscint of Kagemori in KageMamo in the corner giggling at a soccer magazine.

The same monthly soccer magazine Ryou had.

The same issue from the same month that Ryou had.

The same page Ryou had it opened at.

The same -okay, you get the point.

The following scene has been cut out to prevent screams, gore, and raised ratings. To put what happened simply, that geek won't be able to walk/pick up things/get over a major headache for a few months, and when he stands back up, he'll be walking funny. Very funny.

For the second time that week, Bruce regretted telling people their Italian names.

oOo

This time I'm really finished.

oOo

(1) Hi-hi-hi-Hyuga

This is something my friend and I made up. It was originally meant for the Hyuuga Clan from the series, NARUTO, but since Kojiro's last name is Hyuuga with one less 'u' but with the same pronouciation, I used it here as well.


End file.
